Change is good

I promised I would share a couple of things that we're working on with the kids.  Nothing really earth shattering, but definitely significant within the realm of our little family.

 

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table."  ~Ronald Reagan

The first change stems from my severe frustration with how poorly the kids eat at home and the rat race that ensues when they arrive home at night after school.  "Can I have some juice, can I eat this snack, what about this candy, I'm soooo hungry!"  They go on and on the entire time I'm cooking and I usually end up throwing some chicken nuggets in the microwave and plopping them down in front of them so I can try not to burn whatever I'm cooking.  It's frustrating for me, it's frustrating for them, I end up running in circles and we all end up eat at the kitchen island while watching TV.

A few weeks ago, Tom grilled us a delicious dinner and I decided that we'd eat it at the dining room table. 

"Where's the dining room, Mom?" said Kenzie. 

"It's that room 2 steps away from the island - the one with the big table that we never sit at." 

"Ohhh".

When I was growing up, we ate dinner at the kitchen table every night.  Granted, our house wasn't big enough to have an alternate place to eat (no dining room) but aside from that, the ritual was important.

So, I lit some candles and pulled out the Christmas chargers and we had a lovely dinner - together - at the dinner table.  It made me very, very happy. 

This week, I decided that we will eat now dinner at the dinner table every night.  I start cooking when Tom leaves work and by the time they get home, it's just about ready.  The girls set the table while Jack starts to nosh on bread or salsa chips or whatever I've already put on the table, and then we talk about what we did that day, or in Kenzie's case, how she refuses to eat whatever is in front of her.  Katie is pretty good about trying just about anything and Jack is a human vacuum cleaner, but Kenzie (still my mini me) has preconceived notions about all foods and rarely eats anything that doesn't come in a cardboard box with a toy inside.  If she doesn't eat enough of the food that is in front of her, she doesn't get dessert - no negotiations.  I will not cook a second meal, and if she's still hungry before bed, she can eat some goldfish or some other snack that will fill her up.

Surprisingly, she eventually tried the chicken and rice I cooked on Monday and tacos last night.  The girls eat MUCH better at school than they do at home, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that the meals are on the table and there are no alternatives.  They are creatures of habit and love to be scheduled, so I'm excited to keep this going.

 

"If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders."  ~Abigail Van Buren

Keeping the house picked up and clean is a constant battle.  The kids are slobs and I'm convinced that they think magical fairies pick up everything they drop on the floor (including food, toys, cups filled with rotting milk, and everything else in between).  I have gone back and forth with the idea of putting together a chore chart, but the idea of having to keep up with it and mark it off daily and deal with rewards for compliance/non-compliance has caused me to put it off for months. 

I finally got fed up last weekend and sat the girls down for a little chat.  I explained to them that their room is THEIR room and that it is THEIR responsibility to keep it nice and clean.  I make my bed everyday and therefore, so should they.  I let them know that going forward, they would be expected to make their bed every morning, put their dirty clothes in THEIR hamper, put their books back on the bookshelf and put all of their animals on their beds.  Non-compliance means no fruit snacks in the car (it's a long ride before they get to school for breakfast). 

Day one went great - I was so pleased that their rooms were clean when they left for school.  Day two wasn't as smooth.  This morning, Katie had a meltdown and refused to put her animals on her bed after making it.  She pleaded for help and I found myself feeling guilty before snapping myself out of it.  I reminded myself that Katie may only be 3 years old, but she's fully capable of picking up 5 stuffed animals and putting them on her bed WITHOUT help from me (who's running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to make 3 kids presentable for school).  She didn't get fruit snacks and left with tears running down her face, but hopefully tomorrow she'll remember that.

Their Montessori upbringing has led them to love structure.  If I'm consistent, they will be too.

We struggle all the time with how to make them appreciate what they have and how to raise them to be hard-working adults.  Tom and I did not grow up in privileged homes and we both worked very hard for everything we have today.  It was engrained in us that if you wanted things, you were going to have to work for them.  I worked 3 jobs at one time to earn enough money to send myself to college, and Tom worked every weekend with his Dad as a young adult (which is how he became so darn handy).  We joke that we may need to move into a fixer-upper someday so that we'll have projects left that Tom can work on with Jack ;) 

My hope is that we'll start with small things and eventually add on to them as they get older.  I decided against the chore chart idea because I don't want these new responsibilities to feel optional to them.  They need to understand that running a house of 5 people (and a giant animal) is no small task, and is something we all need to work on together.  I think this is a good first step in getting that point across.

Comments

[Yvonne]

Stick to your guns, Heather. You can do it!! The hardest part is just deciding you'd rather see it done right and now, then wait for them to do it themselves. My mom told me long ago to let go of the notion that it's going to be perfect, but it's their attempt that will teach them (ironically, I don't remember her taking that attitude with me!) Now I have two teenagers, and since I didn't always follow through, I spend a lot of time 'helping' them... yes, you're 3 year old can do it, and so can my 17 and 14!!! But poor Nathan... he's either going to have to do it ALL, or Nothing! :) I can't believe Jack is a year all ready! I remember stalking your blog daily to see if he had arrived yet... I was recently pregnant, so I was 'tuned in.' It's been so good getting to 'know' you through your blog! Thanks for always providing fantastic inspiration and goodness!! And your Cookie monster cupcakes are way cuter than the ones on flikr!!!

[Yvonne]

I meant to say to decide to let them do it rather than doing it yourself! (fingers got ahead of the brain!)

[Ali P.]

Yeah Heather! I must say dinner time is my favorite time at our house. We do sit at the kitchen table every night and the "special" dining room table on Sundays. We all go around the table and say our "high" (the happiest thing about our day) and our "low" (the saddest or hardest thing about our day). This allows everybody to open up a little bit and has started some great conversations! Good luck - being a mommy of 3 IS hard work and requires constant change!

[Raven]

AMEN, sister - on all of it! We have all of the same issues, and dinnertime is something I keep thinking about changing but haven't actually done yet. My kids want to live on snacks - nothing with actual substance, and it is a CONSTANT battle...

[JenniferZ]

Hi Heather,
I'm having a hard time with my five year old making her bed. She just refuses. What do you say to Kenzie? I have talked to mine about it being her bed and her responsibility, but she still fights with me daily. Going crazy! She is also difficult with food! What's a mom to do?!! Oh, I know you have said where you bought the girls bed canopies before, but with three kids now, I'm losing more and more brain cells! Can you please let me know. Thanks, Jennifer

[Emily]

We tried eating at the dining room table, and it worked, but guess what--I am notorious for putting my scrapbooking/crafting supplies there . . . note to self: clean up table again! Jacob will keep his room clean because it's his toys that we are talking about; I'm having a harder time teaching him to be helpful, like picking up a pacifier that fell on the floor, etc. I want him to have good manners! :)
Have you read the Creative Family (I think that's the title) by Amanda Soule? She talks about little rituals your family can do together.
Your dining room is beautiful, by the way!

[jen]

"You cannn dooooo etttt!!!!" *Channeling Rob Schneider in Waterboy*

We finished our padio (just about). Pic here:
http://jmwisniewski.typepad.com/.a/6a00e008cc78a3883400e55375fc228834-pi

[Lesley]

Good on you Heather, if you dont give them some responability they will axpect you to just do everything for them. The naught nanny would be proud of you. A true saying start as you mean to go on. Children need struture, routines, and displine.
I promise your girls will be just fine, and repect you for it in the long run. Lesley.

[hoganfe handbags]

Soooo true responsibility is essential ... I started with little jobs and worked up from there each year. Now my teens alternate cleaning the kitchen each week as well as other duties.
mary

[silvia]

I commend your efforts! My children also have it way better than I did growing up, so I have found myself with the same efforts of trying to get them to realize that not everyone has it as easy. I don't do chores/allowances with my three children (ages 13,9,7)- I let them know on numerous occasions that they too are part of a family of five and they too have to put in their fair share of duties for the good of the family and for the most part things run smoothly. I recently had a co-worker challenge my no-allowance-stance by asking me how will I ever teach my children to manage money if they don't get an allowance...I have thought about this myself and for the past two years I have given my daughter (the oldest) the money I budget for school clothes for her and she needed to get everything she needs with that money and I wasn't giving her anymore; the first year she refused to shop sales and went to the more expensive stores and suffered with a small wardrobe. Needless to say the following year she was much more frugal with her shopping money. Bottom line, we can teach our children values even though they are more privileged...it just takes some effort ;)

[barb]

Believe me, it's a constant battle and you'll keep fighting it through the years. It's only the battleground that changes. My best advice is for you to be consistant and be firm. You need to be very strict with yourself about following through with consequences if they are in order. Good luck! You CAN do it!

[Adrienne]

Great job...easier said than done! We all want kids that are well behaved, well mannered, polite, respectful, etc etc. It's hard teaching these values, but with inspiration from other Moms we all can do it! Our girls would love the canopies on their beds. We were at the Kalahari last week and they were fighting over the bed with draping. Please share where to purchase :)

[Cari]

These are the very same battles I face each day! You just have to remember to stick to your guns and your kids will thank you for it in the end!
I also found that their constant asking for "help" is usually because they don't want to do it. I now give my answer ONCE and then ignore them if they keep asking. They get the picture. And go do what I was asking.

How's that patio going?

[Brandi]

Dinnertime has always been VERY important in our house. Everyone sits at the kitchen table. No TV and no reading material at the table. If the phone rings it does just that - rings. We do not answer during supper. That is family time.

When Elizabeth first started eating table food her pediatrician gave me some advice that I am so glad I heeded. For lunch she gets an option. You can have this or this. At dinner time she eats whatever I have prepared for the family. I can still remembering him saying "you are not a short order cook." I've stuck with that and all three kids are great eaters.

I get what you're saying ont he chore charts. We opted for them and they have been great for us. If they complete all their chores for the day they get paid X amount. This has cut out the "can I haves" when we are out shopping. They don't ask for everything they see in Wal-mart since they have to use their own money to get it. They also tithe with their own money. Instead of me giving them $1 as we walk across the church parking lot, they put in $1 that they earned that week. This has really helped them to learn the value of money.

[Shari]

I think we all share in the same battles! Congrats to you on taking a step to improve things! We have just started a chore chart here and it has definitely helped. The kids seem to do well, although I think mine would do even better with Brandi's "daily pay" routine. A week seems like an eternity to them to get their money! Now we still have to work on the picky eaters... we end up making several different meals a night!!

[Stacey]

Hi Heather! You have a beautiful home! We have the same "clean up" problem! My girls are 5, 8 and 10! They are the biggest slobs! I love it when my friends 7 yr. old son comes over! He asks if he can make their (my girls) beds and clean their room. He has a sister and he says "girls are slobs!" I think it's great that you are starting the kids early! My kids can't stand to clean up, even for money. I hope the marry Mr. Maid!

[Heather Crawford]

I hear ya sister..mine are 3 and 5 and I feel like a damn waitress all day..seriously, the snack thing is out of hand and I've just about had it..drives me crazy..they are good about eating their meals too, but they are just ALWAYS wanting to eat...and I've pondered the chore chart thing too..they definitely need to start carrying their load around here...it's just a constant battle that makes me tired..can't imagine adding another child into the mix!

[jenny]

this is awesome! we eat dinner together every night. i think it helps keep everyone on the same page, opens up communication when they are older, and lets you actually take a break in the middle of the rat race of life.

great quotes that you used in the post too! perfect!

[Angie]

Heather, you and Tom remind me so much of Brian and I. I even let him read this post and he immediately said the same thing. The night we received our new couch, I had talked to the kids about the new couch and how we would have 1 thing that we respect in our house LOL! So my big sang is now, If you don't respect the furniture, you will not be able to use it. I have made them sit on the floor many nights and even if they are caught jumping on their beds. Mean mom!

[lanne]

I am THAT mother who makes lochie get off the sofa and try it again... go back and walk in the room properly.
I am pretty bad at the meals thing. Dinner time is my lunch break.. 12 hour in.. 6 to go.. and I flake.

I have been having 1 - 2 hour cooking sessions on the weekend and freezing meals so I can defrost, steam veges make rice and serve.. saves so much time!

[Jodi]

oh - you are so good! perfect quotes to go with everything too...you never cease to amaze me woman!

[Su]

It sounds like a firm foundation and a great plan. I wish you guys every success in aligning the girls to your vision.

[Lisa B.]

Stick with it girl! Family dinners are hard to pull off sometimes but the time investment is SO worth it. Kate from Jon and Kate + 8 puts us all to shame. Cooking daily...with 8 kids who have rarely ever eaten fast food and still working a 16 hour shift on the weekends. Family responsibilities have been traded for putting our children in the care of others for all kinds of lessons and activities when what they really need is to be at home growing closer to one another and learning some responsibility.

[Tina]

WOW! I applaud what you are doing. I have often wondered at what age to begin having my girls help around (making beds, picking up after themselves, etc). They are only a month older than Katie. They have two rooms of their own and trash both of them no sooner are they cleaned. Then they proceed to drag half their toys and all their bedding into the living room. I feel like I work harder keeping the house cleaned up then I did when I was a fifth grade teacher! You have inspired me to begin working with my girls to pick up after themselves. Right now I have limited success using coloring or computer time as a bribe.

[Carrie]

LOLOL at Kenzie's question!!!

[Jennifer]

I love, love, love bot of these ideas. Hoping to incorporate something similar into our lives thanks to your inspiration!

[melanie]

this post makes me smile. we're so alike it's scary sometimes. ;) good for you and teh structure!

[Raimi]

Way to go on eating dinner @ the table,together. That is awesome. Somethign your kids will remember & LOVE. When I was in high school, my Spanish teacher asked us to raise our hands if we ate dinner every night with our families. Sadly, I was the only one who raised my hand. I graduated in 1992, not the dark age. I remember that making me so sad. I am a mom to 4 young boys & every night @ the dinner table we do what is called Happy & Sad. Everyone gets a turn to share what made them happy/sad that day. It is way for us to check in with the boys, especially on the days where they have been @ school all day. It is somethign we all look forward too!
By the way, I love reading you blog. My youngest was born just a month before your little Jack, it has been fun to watch your boy grow too! You kids are all darling!

[Raimi]

I promise I know how to spell the word SOMETHING :), sorry for the typos in the previos post :).